The Jokes Thread!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the manhobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of theLord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

On the recent fuel price hike...

Sardar: Fuel price isn't hiked in my city.

His friend: Well, it can't be possible - it's hiked all over India.

Sardar: But when I asked for petrol for Rs.500/- like I always do, I wasn't asked for any extra money.

Banta: Santa, look a snake is biting-off/stinging your wife.

 

Santa: No man, it isn’t biting-off/stinging, it is refueling poison.

Teacher to Mary:-Mary what would you like to do after growing up?

Mary Replies:- I would like to become a Mother.

Teacher to John:-what would you like to do when you grow up

John Replies:-i would like help mary in becoming a mother.

 

(pun intended.please do not take it offensively)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers;
"Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cellphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required", answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."

Jokes in Forums

 

Pankaj: The increased font size … has led to increase in the spacing between the paragraphs on account of which posts look lengthy & not so elegant. I suggest it may please be reduced.

 

Banwari: The paragraph spacing is reduced to normal. Let me know if you further find such glitch.

 

Pankaj: Probably (not sure), the following may help…

(1) Changing Styles & Formatting to ‘Normal’.

(2) Formatting the Line Spacing of paragraph to ‘Single’.

 

 

Here’s the LINK to the above discussion/joke

 

Note: It is suggested that such jokes, if quoted, may please be quoted only by the person/member who is at the receiving end.  For instance, Banwari shouldn’t be posting the above joke, as Pankaj may take it otherwise (possibility). Thanks.

 

Two Sardars bought two horses – one for each of them.  1^st Sardar cut the tail of one of the horses & said to the other (Sardar): The one with the tail is yours & the one without is mine.

 

A person played a prank & cut the tail of the other horse too. This time the 2^nd Sardar tied a belt to one of the horses & said to the other: The one with the belt is yours & the one without is mine.

 

The person played a prank again & cut the belt of the horse.  Both the Sardars got fed up.  1^st Sardar said: Forget it man, we’ll go by the colours of the horses – the black is yours & the white is mine.

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Home Medical Remedy...
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk!
Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

Little Sameer who was a Hindu, was failing in math. His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, but nothing helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic School.

"Those nuns are tough" they said.

Sameer was soon enrolled at St Mary's. After school on the very first day Sameer ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying furiously, books and papers spread all over his room. Right after dinner, he ran upstairs without mentioning TV and hit the books harder than before. His parents were amazed.

This behavior continued for weeks, until report card day arrived. Sameer quietly laid the envelope on the table and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened the report.

Sameer had an gotten an 'A' in math! She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked,
"Sameer , how did this happen? Was it the nuns?"

"No" said Sameer. "On the first day of school when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around".