The Jokes Thread!

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.

As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."

Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.

The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did.

The minister asked, "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"

The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."

An unhappy-looking old man had stood in the long gift return line at the store. Finally he made it to the counter with his package.

The clerk, observing his stubble of day-old beard, spotted here and there by bits of stuck-on toilet paper, asked if he could help him.

The old man brought out the item he wished to exchange, an electric razor. "My son bought me this newfangled shaver," complained the fellow, "and he said it would let me shave in half the time with less cuts than my old straight razor. I tried it this morning, and it took almost a half hour, and it pulled out more hair than it cut! I want a refund!"

The patient clerk took the electric shaver and looked it over, seeing clumps of wiry facial hair sticking out of the screen. "Let's see if we can tell what the problem might be."

After turning it over and trying to switch it on, he removed the base and found that there were no batteries in it.

Asked the clerk, "Did you try some new batteries before taking them out?"

The grizzled old farmer squinted his eyes and rubbed his rough face, then asked, "It needs batteries?"

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the most intimate apparels were put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received a mail carrying two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets, "Now you know!".

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the cop said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The cop then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the cop her license.
"I see, you are from Hoshairpur!," the cop said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

I`m worried that I`m losing my wife`s love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she`s a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch

"So what`s the problem?"
"Maybe I`m just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I`m sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers...
`Die! you son of a bitch, Die!!`

Sometime after a man died, his widow, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"He thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Honey,` he told me, `I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.`"
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, `Please use this money to buy a nice casket.` So I bought a beautiful casket with such a comfortable lining that I know he is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, `Please use this for a nice funeral.` I arranged him a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, `Please use this to buy a nice stone.`"
Holding her hand in the air and showing off her diamond ring, she said, "So, do you like my stone?"

A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.

The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.

"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"

The woman agreed.

"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."

The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"

"Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."

The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young boy cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I`ll never find it here at home, so I`m leaving. Don`t try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn`t you hear what I said? I don`t want you to try and stop me."
"Who`s trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I`ll go with you."

Faithfull husbands go straight to Heaven.... because they have already gone through the Hell.