The Jokes Thread!

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, he says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and shoots himself.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over – the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, “WHAT are you doing?!”

The New Yorker says, “So much for your canoe, jerk!!!”

Actual Answering Machine Messages

Actual answering machine messages recorded and verified by the World famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers:

1.) My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished washing dishes.

2.) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

3.) Hi, this is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

4.) Hi. Now you say something.

5.) Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6.) Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

7.) Hello! If you leave a message, I”ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call sooner.

8.) Hi, John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator…. Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I’ll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.

9.) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10.) This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

11.) Hi. I am probably home; I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave a message and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

12.) Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13.) If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!”

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, “What makes you say that?”

“The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.”

Few abbrs on lighter notes

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive. ...

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

KIA: Kills In Accidents.

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life.

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.

HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away.  

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion..

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot
Man-eating gator in my pool, and I'll give a million dollars
to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***!
Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor..

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief..

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the ### who pushed me in
the pool!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse.

It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected
$96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those b******* at the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna

A cowgirl, who moved to Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies,
"Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I am drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, she orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day she comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice And fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains.
"It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters, though."[b]

MBAs ......
Please don't mind.....

MBA vs engineers

7 engineers and 7 MBA are going from PUNE to Mumbai. So both groups gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):
------------ --------- --------- -------- ------------ ---------
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 MBA  buy all 7 tickets.. 
MBA are desperately waiting for TC to come.......

When TC arrives,
All 7 engineers get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes  away....

NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE.

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):
---------------------------------------------------------------
MBA decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal"....All 7 MBA s take 1 Ticket engineers don't buy any ticket at all !!!!!..

TC arrives....

ALL MBA IN ONE TOILET. ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE.

One ENGINEER gets out and knocks the door of MBA toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in ENGINEER's Bathroom....

TC DRIVES out ALL the MBA from the toilet and they are heavily fined..

SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA): !
------------ --------- --------- ---------------------------------
SO now both the group are on LONAVALA station. MBA planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.

This time MBA decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

ALL MBA take 1 tickets..... engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...
SO TC Comes... All engineers showed their tickets .....

MBA are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train....... ....

Santa: Parso meri biwi kuwe me gir gayi, bahut chot lagi, bahut chilla rahi thi.

Banta: Ab kaisi hai woh..?

Santa: Ab theek hi hogi, kal se kuwe se awaz nahi aa rahi hai..

Letter from Banta Singh to Mr. Bill Gates

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice:

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any “re-scooter” is available in system? I find only “re-cycle”, but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Banta

Last one to Mr. Bill Gates:

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?